It's funny how life speaks to you...
Someone told me they read this and laughed, made fun if you will, especially "From the girl who has her very own cupcake". I laughed with her and honestly expect no less and was happy someone actually read it. I started this and named it Ramblings because I hope it's funny and enjoyable. My profile says "I don't take myself or life too seriously." However, that hasn't always been the case and perhaps it isn't the entire truth. I've had some pretty significant, serious things happen in my life that have changed my whole outlook. Some I'll share, some I won't... Today I am prompted to share my heart.
The truth is my life/health has been dire several times and has hung from the balance due to an extreme illness I was diagnosed with when I was 22 yrs old, just starting to "live life". MY life plan was altered considerably and because of many painful experiences at one point I became miserable, bitter and bedridden by 29. I was told my disease was so severe I wouldn't live to be thirty. Somehow I overcame that hurdle but was later told I had less than 12 months to live when I was 32. Thanks to GOD, a wonderful supporting family, friends & loved ones who cared for me physically and emotionally, getting out of a terrible marriage that had left me with no will to live, and a special thanks to the Dept of Immunology/Stem Cell Study at Northwestern University in Chicago (God used them to play a huge role in saving my life), ...I turn 37 in July.
When I use the term "from the girl who has everything" I mean it but in a totally different way others might think. Financially I've been blessed. My family means more to me than I think they will ever know. I have been given some of the best friends who have come for "Seasons, Reasons & Lifetimes". Though I don't have a "significant other" at this time and often feel very lonely in that aspect, I trust God will provide that when my heart is ready. I've gone through one bad marriage and that's enough to show me you cannot count on another person to make you happy. God has filled my life with many wonderful people.
Do I have every THING in the world, heavens no! Sometimes I wonder how I make it through the day with my airheadedness but I always do somehow. I often wonder how I'm going to scrape up enough cash to pay my taxes. My hips, leg and Crohns have been killing me lately but I try to smile and say thank you God for letting me be here to feel the pain...and thank you for darvocet and lomotil to ease it a little. The guy I've been hoping to go out with cancelled on me (twice). I struggle with rejection, lonliness and all sorts of self esteem issues. Sometimes I think I can't scare up a date but can chronically perpetually be everybody's friend. My wonderful family is quite dysFUNctional!!! I miss my Mila everyday. But when I look at how far I've come and think of all the REAL problems in the world, I have it all. I am rich because God gave me life...not once, not twice but he has brought me back several times and through those experiences in the bigger picture, I have it all. So many times a day I ask if some things really matter. It's best now just to live, FORGIVE, be happy, have JOY, receive the good with the bad and thank God for ALL He gives. Because at this point in my life, THE REST IS GRAVY! I didn't expect to make it here!
I can have my cupcake and eat it too because it has taken 35+ years to realize that it's God that makes this possible. I might be one of the world's most compulsive shoppers but I have learned that all the stuff I buy is not what fills me up. Money is not what makes a person rich. A Mercedes Convertible is not a soulmate, it won't give you a goodnight kiss, a hug or a Valentine. But God IS GOOD! He allows me to look at life in such a different perspective. Granted, it has taken some pretty rough times to show me this but He has certainly shown me that HE will fill me up and HE WILL CARRY ME THROUGH.
Right now I feel that I'm being called out of my comfort zone. I'm a bit scared but quite frankly I am ready to take the challenge and "Get Busy Living" (thanks J.A.M.) because it looks like He's keeping me here for a reason and it's my honor to keep my eyes & heart open to find out why and how I may use all this to glorify Him.
As usual I'm starting to ramble...but I wanted others to know why I feel so blessed. At this time in my life it is ALL because of the gifts that God has given and for the chance to glorify Him here in some way before eventually He does call me to be with Him.
*And Thanks Val, I dedicate this to you, for being the most wonderful sister and for your gift of friendship! And to you & Mike for allowing me the priviledge, the most precious gift of sharing in the experience of all that is Maddy. That has given me the something I needed to start living again, I will never be able to thank you enough!
I conclude with a poem that many of you know. It reminds me of my grandmother Edith; she had it framed beside her bed and she passed it along to me. I didn't know when I was a junior in high school what a role it would play in my life.
Footprints In The Sand
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was
walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the
sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he
noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one
belonging to him, and the other to the Lord. When
the last scene of his life flashed before him, he
looked back at the footprints in the sand. He
noticed that many times along the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed
that it happened at the very lowest and saddest
times in his life. This really bothered him and he
questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, You said that
once I decided to follow you, You'd walk with me all
the way. But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life, there is only one set
of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed
you most you would leave me." The Lord replied,
"My son, My precious child, I love you and I would
never leave you. During your times of trial and
suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it
was then that I Carried You." -Mary Stevenson
3 comments:
First of all I am glad you finally updated! But most importantly, I love your writing as well. And sometimes it feels really weird to put yourself "out there" when writing. But at the same time I think it gives me the confidence to take more chances in every day things as well. Makes me actually live this life instead of exist. Or as my grandfather said get out of the dressing room. Anyway hope all is well and maybe I will see you soon!!! If your in MS give me a call.
Katie b
Thanks for sharing Nat. I've been down the last couple of days, and was uplifted to read your blog today.
We share a good bit in common, as you know. Looking forward to that Asheville trip...assuming the other coups is still there. BTW, a just received a mixer...no more hand beatings of meringues.
Love you Nat
Yes, thanks for sharing. There's a book titled, On Fear, by the Indian philosopher, Krishnamurti. Powerful insight. If you desire, I can send you a copy. Jeff and I have read it. And, I sent a copy to Will awhile back. I'm not sure if he found it worthwhile, but you can ask him. Asheville could also provide good therapy. Pick up coups and come on up! Glad you're a survivor!
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